a.Nichole’s life always was dedicated to helping others. She tended to others at work and the same at home. Her life was full of relationships where her role was to give. The issue was that she wasn’t getting anything in return.
She had issues with boundaries, habitually breaking her own to take care of others. She’d say she was grandfathered into it, having a clinician for a father and a bipolar mother. But it didn’t matter how she got there when she failed to meet her needs. She needed to find a solution that would make her feel whole. She found one in setting boundaries.
“I noticed when I broke my boundaries for other people, they’d be going on about their business, and I would be stuck doing their stuff,” she explains. The issue extended far beyond the relationships at work. She advises boundary-setting to mothers and daughters who want healthy relationships.
a.Nichole’s advice comes from personal experience, her training, and the education she obtained while pursuing her Ph.D. in Psychology and reaching the candidate level. She’s also embedded her advice in the content she creates for her YouTube channel and her podcast, Nikkie’s Thoughts Podcast, available on most podcasting platforms.
To ensure boundaries stick and that there’s enough integrity to withstand the almost inevitable blowback, a.Nichole proposes a two-step process. After all, boundary setting isn’t something people can wake up and implement without a plan. It’s not as simple as just stating one’s preference and disapproval.
“A lot of people are comfortable with stating their mind. They think that’s it, the boundary is up, and people are automatically going to respect their wishes,” a.Nichole explains. “But what happens when the other person has a problem with that boundary? What happens if they push back? What happens then?”
While it’s crucial to set up a boundary and voice it, it’s also important to understand that the people who aren’t used to it being there might not want to honor it. It doesn’t have to be malice. It can simply be the power of habit. Either way, those who set the boundaries will have their resilience and commitment tested.
That’s why a.Nichole wants everyone to be ready for the second step: enforcement. “Once you express your feelings, and the other side still doesn’t give a damn, well then you have to separate or cut it off,” a.Nichole explains. “You have to be ready to take that step to make it clear that you would cut all ties with them, either temporarily or permanently, if they don’t respect your space.”
For many, this is easier said than done. These are situations where emotions run high, and people are prone to drama. Again, a.Nichole wants none of that. “You only have to be strong enough,” she says. “You don’t have to be combative. You don’t have to be aggressive. You can always explain yourself nicely. You can tell them how uncomfortable it makes you. You’re not under duress to feel sad.”
Setting boundaries is a valuable exercise with life-changing potential, but it can’t save all relationships. Some people can’t handle others’ boundaries. Unfortunately, there’s nothing to do in those cases other than cut ties. But, as a.Nichole points out, more often than not, boundaries can save relationships and make them stronger, deeper, and more balanced.
